Tips For a Successful Surrogate Mother & Intended Parent Relationship

Surrogate Mother Relationship

As a health psychologist, Dr. Andrea Mechanick Braverman, PhD, specializes in infertility counseling, third party reproduction issues, health management and diabetes care. She consults for many leading assisted reproductive technology programs and endocrinologists and has maintained her own private practice for over twenty years.

Gay Parents To Be and Dr. Braverman continue the conversation about surrogacy by discussing how to have a successful relationship with a gestational surrogate or surrogate mother. This is a vitally important relationship to a gay man or couple in bringing a baby into the world. It’s a relationship that you will want enter into carefully and nourish appropriately to ensure that everyone feels comfortable and safe. The end result that is desired is for the gestational surrogate and baby-to-be to be healthy.

Tips For a Successful Surrogate Mother & Intended Parent Relationship

Here are some suggestions that Dr. Braverman shares to reach that desired result. Three tips for working successfully with your gestational surrogate:

1 – What Type of Relationship Do You Want With Your Surrogate?

Discuss and be clear with yourself (and your partner if you have one) about what type of relationship you would like to have with your surrogate.  Do you want your relationship to become a friendship or do you prefer a respectful but more independent relationship? There is no "right" or "wrong" type of relationship.  But having similar expectations to your surrogate is the best set up for success for the relationship and reduces the possibility of hurt feelings or resentment. Thinking about and discussing this before you choose a gestational surrogate will also ensure that you are working with someone who wants the same thing that you do.

2 – Talk About Anything & Everything Related to the Surrogacy Journey

Which leads us to tip #2. Overcommunicate. Talk about anything and everything related to the surrogacy journey before you sign your contracts with your gestational surrogate. If you don't have good communication to start with when working with your surrogate it is unlikely to improve over time. To establish trust and a collaborative approach you need to communicate and not be afraid that you can't say what you need to or that your surrogate will hold back in saying or asking what she needs to. It's like developing any muscle, the more you use it, the stronger and healthier it becomes, so to with communication. The more that you communicate and share openly, the easier it becomes and then it becomes the norm between you. The fewer misinterpretations or assumptions that are made, the more smoothly the process of bringing your baby into the world.

3 – Put Yourself in Your Surrogate's Shoes

Always try to put yourself in your surrogate's shoes and see if you can imagine a different way of experiencing whatever issue arises. Remember there is always another point of view and way to experience the same event. For example, if you want to call the obstetrician with a medical question, you may think nothing of it. Your surrogate may worry that you are "checking up" on her by talking to her doctor without letting her know. That may be the farthest thing from your mind and you are crystal clear that it's a simple medical question that has nothing to do with trusting or distrusting your surrogate. From your surrogate's point of view though, it can be experienced differently and she may feel as though her privacy has been disrupted. Which brings us back to tip #2 about always communicating. Don't be afraid to ask your surrogate if she has any questions or concerns, the more that she feels free to discuss with you, the more comfortable you all will be.  If she is clear on what you are doing and your motivation, then there is no hidden agenda, and you are all on the same page.

Andrea Braverman

Andrea Braverman

Dr. Braverman specializes in fertility counseling and third party reproduction issues. Her research has focused on the psychological aspects of infertility, third-party donors, attitudes of parents of children born with the use of ART, and issues involved in the decision to end treatment.

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